Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions. Or like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside. Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife. Like when you forget the reality of your own existence.

Sometimes I think too much.

When I press 'poke' on facebook, I feel like I am standing next to you, poking your arm repeatedly and saying 'hey, hey you. I am still here. You are still a liar and I am still here to see through it. hey, I'm still here for you. Don't suffer alone, I'm right here worrying about you, wanting you to call.'

Its not that I want you to need help, but I know you already do. I want you to admit that you need it, and ask for it. As much as I would like to, I can't just call you up at all hours of the night to check if you happen to be having a dark moment.

And trust me, it is getting hard to stop myself...





/poke

The little bits of your lives I can gather from your blogs give me a window into the ways we will all explode.

I just noticed that even though 'you' doesn't just mean you, almost of the of the ones with that label are about you. I need something else to worry about.

I leave your facebook chat open when you leave, because I need to know when you are there.
I need to know you are OK, because when I don't see you for a certain amount of time, I get so worried I feel sick.

I'd fight anyone and anything to save you.
Including you.

Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the fear of myself.